What Not to Wear: The *Who’s that sad little person?* edition

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The Dot Com Raider. She consistently shops online, despite living in a major urban area with every store and every designer readily available within blocks. The outcome: Her closet is busting with mismatched, ratty looking Gucci and DKNY from overstock.com and she still doesn’t have one decent outfit to show for it.

The Muse. She looks down on people who wear something from H&M, Urban Outfitters or Forever 21. She gets her clothes from her design major friends at Parsons and FIT. The outcome: Her clothes are totally original - in a creative-draping-with-a-glue-gun project kind of way. And her new boyfriend, also from Parsons, is anything but straight.

Miss 80's. She’s about five feet tall but layers all sorts of rocker tees, washed-out vintage, whimsical paisleys and polka dots, leggings, skull scarves, and color-clashing belts and necklaces. She chips her nail polish, and regularly appears on the Cobrasnake and the Lastnightsparty. The outcome: She thinks she looks exuberant and experimental but in fact she looks just like any other girl that lives in Brooklyn.

The Gift Bag Whore. She l o v e s free shit. Doesn’t matter what it is – as long as she didn’t have to pay for it. The amount of giveaway apparel and make-up she’s accumulated over the years is exploding all over her closet and bathroom. She goes to events for gift bags and she’ll take two – hers and the neighbor’s. The outcome: When she brags about that sample sale she went to, everyone just feels sad for her and for her twenty-dollar Michael Kors wedges.